I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Randomize
