i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
