does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm bleeding and have questions
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
