i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
