I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
