Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
