If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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