You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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