Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
