was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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