I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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