DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
