Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
