First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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