good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
