i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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