So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
