I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
