did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have fence marks all over my body
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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