i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
