Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
