I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
