How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
