Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
