I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
