Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
