what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
