I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
