The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
