I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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