Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
