In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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