hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
