just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
