I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
