The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
