I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
