my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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