hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
