I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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