Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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