taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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