Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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