I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
