She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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