umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
