Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
