I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
