You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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