I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
