I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
organizing the empties. That sober.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
