I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
