I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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